. . . and maybe just some whining ?

I'm stuck inside due to the heat, it's too hot to breathe out there! In our neck of the woods, 96 deg. is just too hot! even with a slight breeze. Thank goodness that the heat wave is going to break on Monday. On Monday the temp. will drop about 10 degrees, and by Wednesday the Weather Channel says it will be 63 with a chance of rain! WOW, that's quite a difference, but welcomed all the same.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately, some are interesting, some are very crafty, but all are intriguing. Most of the blogs all seem to have begun somewhere in early 2006. There are a few that go way back before that, and some that like mine - are just starting out. I like to go back in time with the bloggers to see what prompted them to start and to follow the happenings of their lives to the present. Some are accounts of crafting projects and the progress and development of their crafts. Others have given accounts of their lives, good, funny, sad, frustrating and enlightening - and I've enjoyed them all.

I started my blog with the hope that it could help me learn, expand my horizons and get my 'sh*t' together and set up a routine schedule for getting my life and website, Beading for Beginners, heading in the right direction. I guess I'm a slow learner - my life seems to just move forward one day at a time, not changing much, and my website, which I had, and still have, great plans for seems to sit and stagnate. I get the feeling sometimes that I'm afraid of succeeding in my quest, sounds silly I know, but what else would be holding me back? I've looked at the overwhelming task I've set for myself, and just flinch. I know I need to stop looking at the WHOLE big picture, and just take little baby steps, looking at each segment of the website, and working on it. If I do that every day or week, it will be what I want it to be before I know it . . . I just need a swift kick, a huge RUDE awakening, and maybe someone to tell me that I'm doing good.

Feeling sorry for myself? ? ? maybe - I'm not sure where I'm going with this post, but I need to get it out in the open, and where is it more open than on a blog?!?!?!

I've come to realize, that most of my close friends are not really interested in what I'm trying to do. Period. I've said it. They don't care much! I do have a 'soul' friend in Nebraska, and she cares very much - that I know. She has a life and can't babysit me and MY project - she gives input when she can, and the input is honest, but I don't expect her to hold my hand and do it with/for me....... maybe it's that the people I count on, my friends here, are letting me down in some way? maybe I expect too much from them..... maybe I'm letting their lack of interest get me down.....

I get so angry at times that I end up stomping around the house, not knowing what to do with myself, crying, sniveling and just getting a general worthless feeling about myself. The more I cry and snivel the angrier I get and then the "I'll show them!!!" kicks in for a while. Key words here: "FOR A WHILE" . . . and then it's back to the same old thing . . .

I know I'm probably not making a lot of sense right now, but as I'm writing I'm seeing the pathetic side of myself. I know I can't be the only one in the world that has feelings like this, but at 61 years old, wouldn't you think I'd be over this kind of thing and just do what I need to do? I don't need their approval for anything I do, but I really would like a tiny bit of interest once in a while.

Maybe, I'm also a bit afraid of what the rest of the world will think of my site . . . and for some reason I do care, I care a lot.

I think that maybe I feel a bit like the statue in the following quote:

"Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue" (Author unknown)